I never thought that taking a break would be so damn hard.

I’m having a hard time doing nothing and just relaxing. I think I’ve been conditioned to always do something in order to be productive and make use of my time. Otherwise, it’ll be time just wasted. Whatever I did had to fulfill a purpose, to get things done and going. Just sitting by a cafe reading seems like being lazy.

So now, for the first time in my life, I have a summer off. No running behind appointments, cooking classes, jewellery making, swimming lessons, flower arrangements, endless color palette mixing in interior design, buying canvas and oil paints for 4 hr painting classes, photography lessons late at night, no more breathing exercises from theatre classes, browsing for images in internship, waking up early for salsa lessons with my mom. It feels so empty, challenging. Perhaps I’m too used to getting things done, in having to-do lists and crossing them out, an overall schedule to follow.

I feel somewhat frustrating at myself for not being able to relax, for being worried over getting a job (yet not working at all). There’s this ongoing dilemma between me wanting desperately to take this summer off, to relax and do all the things I want with my subconscious nagging me to get a job. The one where it’s driven by expectations, fear of failure and disappointment. That part of me that is well too good at stressing, getting things done, being disciplined (somewhat), the responsible and example to follow, the one “good” reputation…

Reconnecting with myself seems harder than I originally planned. Too much noise, too much distraction around. Or perhaps once again I’m trying to do way too much at once. Time is precious, enjoy it and relax. Take it easy. Yes, I can.